15 years...15 YEARS and not a day goes by that I don't think of you!
That I don't pick up the phone to call you. If it's a work day I would have called your work number. Can you remember the number? I can! 794-4270! I don't think I'll ever forget that number. Or maybe it's the weekend and I was calling you at home, won't ever forget that number either!
Some days it is hard to believe that it has been this long. I still remember the talks, the walks, the arguments (oh the arguments), but the laughter was by far what I remember more than anything. We laughed so dam much my side would still hurt the next day.
Thinking back on this morning and remembering the phone call, the drive to Jefferson, the decision I had to make. Sometimes I wonder if it was this exact morning that I truly became an adult, making the decisions that no one ever wants to make. With the support of family and friends by my side I watched my mom slip away and no longer feel pain. I could not have gotten through that day without some extremely special people and you all know who you are!
Folks say "with time it gets easier". I'm not so sure about the "easier" but it definitely feels different. I'm no longer a complete basket case on my mom's birthday or the anniversary of her passing.
Do I tear up? Yes!
Do I shed tears? Yes!
Am I tearing up and shedding some of those tears now? Yes!
Can I function on this day better than I have in the past? Yes!
Maybe that's the "easier" part. Maybe that's the "time will heal all wounds". Maybe that's the "growing older".
Maybe, I've figured out that her life should be celebrated and not thought of as a sorrowful time.
A friend of mine asked me to go to a painting class a few weeks ago on March 28th. The moment she asked I felt a sense of dread. OMG, how am I going to make it through that class. Will I make everyone miserable? Is it OK to feel joy on such a bad day in my life?
Once again, the answer that came back was Yes! Yes, I am going to this class. Yes, I will make it through. Yes, I might make everyone miserable....NO, just kidding, I'm going to enjoy myself! Yes, it is OK to feel joy on this day.
WHY? HOW? How can I possibly feel joy on such a day? Because I have the memories of my mother. Because I will paint for her tonight. Because I will allow myself to feel that joy, to rejoice in her memory!
The best part about it? Ummmm, seriously, "The best part". The best part about it is that mom came to me last night in my dreams and told me to enjoy myself. Well how can you argue with mom! Honestly, I've argued with her so many times in the past, I do it now from my dreams, and I guarantee you that I will do it in the future! Some may call me crazy, you are dam tutin' I'm crazy! But that's OK, because those that love me understand! Maybe the ones that don't get these types of visits are the crazy ones. Who knows, doesn't matter. All I know is my mom comes to me when I need her most just like a mom does.
So tonight we are painting flowers in a meadow. Mom loved irises and so do I; might thought is to try to paint an iris in this meadow. Maybe one, maybe two. We'll have to see how it turns out.
The one thing I know is that LIFE does go on and things change, the same but different. I still remember the special times I have spent with my mom and know she is still looking out for me, just in a different way. Different is OK!
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